Music & Misery: Solitude

Solitude – “a state of seclusion or isolation.

Many people believe that choosing to be alone is cause for concern; and without a doubt, companionship and the process of giving and receiving love is one of the most necessary things in life. However, over the last few years I have firmly believed that I would rather be alone than be in a relationship that was mediocre in nature.

Since childhood, my parents have continuously drilled into my head that the second worst thing one could ever do is settle; and, the absolute worst thing one could do is lose themselves in another person. Imagine my surprise when a year ago I realized that was exactly what I had done.

There’s a thing line between wanting to be someone’s everything, and actually giving someone everything. Neither of those are healthy – I had done both. I vividly remember a weekend when because HE was having a rough time in HIS life, I dropped everything I had planned (work, brunch with friends, etc.) to devote 48 hours to making him feel better. It seemed romantic at the time but after months of giving and giving and never receiving it’s not hard to figure out that when I had nothing left to give, he quite easily walked away from the shell of a human I had become.

For a long time I was shattered beyond belief; and disappointed that I failed to protect my own heart as I fiercely fought to mend his. Then came the anger; not even anger at the fact that it had failed. I was angry that the solitude that used to make me feel strong and empowered (since it was my choice), had become an everyday reminder of the loss of (who I thought was) my soulmate.

How do I feel now? These days, I’m definitely more guarded with who I give my affection to; sometimes I have even have those “what if?” moments; but I have realized that tears should not be shed for those whom are undeserving.

Current Mood: Jeffrey Alexander (ft Gossling) – Bones

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